There are so many things about adoption that are difficult. Worries about money, attachment, health, and travel. The list is long and varies for each family. There is one difficulty that plagues every adoptive family.
Unless you have walked this road, there is no way you could understand THIS waiting. This waiting makes it hard to breathe. Hard to focus. This waiting is heartbreaking.
Some wait with pictures, they know the names and faces of their children. Some wait knowing they have a child or children somewhere, but they don’t know who they are. Both wait knowing that their children are far away from the love and safety of family. Many wait knowing that everyday that passes, means their child is hungrier. Everyday means their child is sicker. Everyday means their child is lonelier. Some wait knowing that with each day that passes, their child may be one day closer to death. Some wait knowing that each day that passes their children are venerable to all sorts of abuse and sickness. Some wait, knowing their child is relatively safe and well cared for, but still wait, knowing that they should be the ones caring for them…not another.
Some wait weeks. Some wait months. For some the months of waiting stretch into years. Glitches in paperwork, government red tape, lack of money can stretch this wait out much longer than one ever could have imagined.
This wait can hurt so deeply, that sometimes you can even wonder why you are putting yourself through such affliction. You wonder each day how much you should let yourself love this child. How much of yourself should you give away. Then you are brought back to reality. You already deeply love this child. You have already given your whole heart. You can’t get it back. This is your child, and you will fight for them.
You will wait.
Chris Rice has a song entitled Smile. During our wait, I heard this song on many different adoption blogs. I would vaguely listen until he would get to the chorus, then the tears would fall.
“Cause I just wanna be with You, I just want this waiting to be over. I just want to be with You, And it helps to know the Day is getting closer. Every minute takes an hour. Every inch feels like a mile, Til I won’t have to imagine, And I finally get to see You smile.”
I would hear those words and they would resonate in my soul. Every minute felt like an hour. Every step felt like it revealed another mile in the journey.
Then one day, it hit me. I personally think it was Lord asking. What exactly is this song about anyway? I had never really listened to the whole song, only the chorus. So I found a YouTube video and listened.
This time the tears were falling for a different reason. Was I longing to be with Jesus like this? Was I longing to see Him face to face?
Obviously there was nothing wrong with wanting to be with my children, to have my family together. There was nothing wrong with the pain that came with that wait.
There was however, something very wrong with my heart.
I had lost my perspective. I had lost sight of what should always matter most. My relationship with the Lord should supersede all others. I wanted my children, more than I wanted Jesus.
Since that time I have asked myself on several occasions, what is the focus of my deepest longings? Is it on the things of this world that will perish and fade? Or is it on the everlasting things, the things that are above? Why do I do the things I do? Is it for the approval of man? Or is it out of a heart filled with gratitude toward the God who saved me? Where is my focus? Is it on my impossible circumstances? Or is it on the God who does the impossible? Am I angry, bitter, or restless over my circumstances? Or am I resting and trusting in Jesus and His word? When things don’t happen they way I want in the timing I want, do I respond like a spoiled child? Or do I trust that God’s wisdom and timing are best?
It is so easy for me to loose perspective. Especially during trials. I want answers. The Lord tells me that faith is trusting Him, even when I don’t know the answers. He tells me to rest in the fact that He knows the answers. I want to avoid pain. He tells me that through my pain He will change me. He will make me stronger, more compassionate, more patient. He tells me through my trails I will learn perseverance. He tells me that suffering draws me nearer to Him. I tell Him, I don’t like this plan of His…it doesn’t seem good. He reminds me that I see only the temporal. He sees everything. That faith is believing His word is true, even when my circumstances and my greatest enemy would have me believe otherwise. He reminds me, as He draws me near with His loving kindness to trust Him. To keep my perspective where it needs to be.