My beloved, had a simple request.
“Come sit in the blind with me.”
I politely thanked him for his offer, but informed him that sadly I would have to decline. He then said that was fine, he wouldn’t want me to go if I didn’t want to.
Nice little guilt trip there.
Sunday, as all the children were begging to be the next one to go hunting with daddy, I piped up and said none of them would be going..because I was.
The older boys just chuckled. Not real sure what they meant by that.
Grace immediately went into action. “Mommy you DO realize this is a tower blind. It is REALLY high up in the air. You are scared of heights you know. I think I’d better go instead.”
No, I would face my fears.
Then I was told I would need to put on cameo.
“We are going to be in a blind, the deer can’t see you. That’s why they call it a BLIND.”
No good, I was informed. Cameo was necessary.
So I put on one of Richard’s shirts. All big and frumpy looking. I was seriously concerned about not looking at all cute. Richard informed, deer do not care if I look cute.
Humph…well I care.
I came out of the bedroom to more giggling from the boys. I asked them if they had a problem I could fix for them. Noah just smiled and said, “Nope, I just think you look cute.”
Well then, let’s go huntin’ .
Next thing I know, Richard is wanting me to go into the gas station with him, so he can show off to all the other cameo wearing males that HIS woman will dress in leafy browns and go hunting with him.
I told him I didn’t think it was very nice to cause contention in other peoples marriages.
I drank a nice big cup of joe on the way. Then I wondered aloud about what I would do if nature called. Well I COULDN”T pee there, I was told. The deer would smell it and not come. I would have to pee in a bottle. Umm, dear we have been married for quite sometime now, have you not noticed I have a slightly different anatomy? One that does not allow me to aim for and hit a one inch round hole. I thought ahead and brought my now empty 24 ounce coffee cup with me, praying it would be big enough should the need arise. Giving myself the pep talk of all pep talks. “If you can pee in a pit latrine in Uganda, you can pee in a cup while in a deer blind in Texas.” Everyone should go to Africa, it changes your perspective on so many things.
Fast forward to us walking FOREVER, in the RAIN, through a MUDDY field to climb UP into this blind. All the while I am trying not to think about how I am going to get down. UP is one thing. DOWN, well that is just something entirely different.
SOMEONE had to go back to the truck, because he said SOMEONE was distracting him and he left the bullets in the truck. He left me there, UP in the air, in this itty bitty blind, held up by four spindly poles and a wire. How safe can this thing really be? I mean a good wind and I’m gone. I sat trying to convince myself this tin trap was safe.
Finally, mt beloved returned. Would you belive that within ten minutes he told me I was WORSE than Grace? What? Apparently I am too impatient, too bossy, and too loud. Not only that I had the nerve to want to have my widow and my curtain(yep curtains in a deer blind, isn’t that quaint) opened so I could have a better view. I could not have my way and have my window open, because the deer would see me.
We sat. FOREVER. Watching two deer eat corn, a really fat squirrel, and a super cute racoon. I resisted the urge to say, “Awe, can we keep him?” We debated on the cost effectiveness of shooting the very small spike, and finally decided to leave him for the boys. Then we had to sit until after dark. We wouldn’t want the deer to see us get out of the blind. Apparently these deer are very wise creatures, with exceptional vision.
As it’s time to leave, it is made clear to me I am still to be VERY quiet. My heart is racing at a pace that is making me think I might have a heart attack at any minute…I mean it is time to climb DOWN the ladder. I sit down to scooch out, and the metal folding chair falls over and hits me in the head with a LOUD CRASH. I lose it. I begin laughing uncontrably…but quietly. You know, that kind of laugh where you are laughing so hard all that comes out is air and tears. The kind of laugh when you are grateful you did your kegels. Once I start laughing like this…I’m not stopping…for a LONG time. The fear I have of climbing down out of this blind, suddenly strikes me as hilarious and I now have my face in my arm muffling loud laughter.
I walked all the way back to the truck, with my arm over my mouth, with tears in my eyes, laughing hysterically.
I never did ask if I would be invited back.
I never did have to use my cup.