My toilet overflowed.
My husband got hurt at work.
Last night we narrowly escaped a very serious car accident.
My refrigerator, that we jut repaired six months ago broke.
We have to go get a new one, and somehow manage to get it into our now FLOODED yard.
We have to go to San Antonio, to get one which is currently under flash flood warnings.
All of the sudden I am feeling overwhelmed, about EVERYTHING.
It’s been a stressful 24 hours or so.
Maybe it’s just a coincidence.
Maybe it is.
However, I have taken note that all of this has happened immediately after Richard and I seriously started talking about adopting a particular child.
Maybe it’s a coincidence.
I have said before adoption is war.
The enemy HATES it. He fights it hard.
This truth has not been lost on me. Not with our own adoption. Not watching various friends adopt. I have both felt and saw the very real spiritual battle the ensues.
Maybe it’s a coincidence.
I have said in the past that we would love to adopt again.
Except for that whole war thing.
I KNOW how hard it is.
Quite frankly I am a chicken. My faith is pretty weak in this area because I KNOW all to well every battle I fought the last time. Yes, God showed up over and over again. That SHOULD be enough for me. Right? I mean who won? The enemy? No way. Maybe it’s the battles that he did win that leave me feeling the way I do. I do think he won a couple. He didn’t win the war. The TRUTH is he never will. So why do I still feel the way I do?
We have this money saved. It’s supposed to be my house money. I want to move. I hate it here.
I have tried to lay that down before the Lord. To be content in “what ever state” (hehe) I am in.
It’s hard. Letting go of a dream. In my heart I know I don’t want anything the Lord dosen’t want for me. It’s still hard.
As that money dwindles. It is clear that moving is just not in His plan now. We want to do something that will last with that money.
The question is what.
Maybe it is adoption. Maybe it’s not.
The question is, am I willing.
Truly the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
Am I willing to lay down my dream for another?
Am I willing to face another war?
My kids are. When Noah overheard a conversation between Richard and I, he said, “We are going to adopt? Yes! I don’t care about moving. I want to move, but I would rather adopt again.”
That is my sons heart.
I think it’s Gods.
Why isn’t mine?
Why am I so lacking faith in this?
“Lord, you know my hearts desire. You know where I am wrong. You know where I don’t trust. You know my fears. Forgive me for them. Help me to overcome. Help me to want what you want. Help me to love what you love and to see what you see. Help me trust. Give us clarity. Give us passion to follow you no mater the cost. No matter what we might lose. No matter the battle. No matter the pain. You know it is the heart of our family to bring you glory, Lord help us to do that. Help me to do that. Help me to let go of what I need to let go of. Give me the faith to know that when I let it go, you are the good and gracious God, who gives in abundance. Who never does wrong. Whose way is always right. I can’t change my heart Lord, I need you to change it for me, please change it. I want your heart.”