Faithful Remembrances Blog

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Maybe It’s a Coincidence January 15, 2010

Filed under: Family — faithfulremembrances @ 11:23 am

My toilet overflowed.

My husband got hurt at work.

Last night we narrowly escaped a very serious car accident.

My refrigerator, that we jut repaired six months ago broke.

We have to go get a new one, and somehow manage to get it into our now FLOODED yard.

We have to go to San Antonio, to get one which is currently under flash flood warnings.

All of the sudden I am feeling overwhelmed, about EVERYTHING.

It’s been a stressful 24 hours or so.

Maybe it’s just a coincidence.

Maybe it is.

However, I have taken note that all of this has happened immediately after Richard and I seriously started talking about adopting a particular child.

Maybe it’s a coincidence.

I have said before adoption is war.

The enemy HATES it.  He fights it hard.

This truth has not been lost on me.  Not with our own adoption.  Not watching various friends adopt.  I have both felt and saw the very real spiritual battle the ensues.

Maybe it’s a coincidence.

I have said in the past that we would love to adopt again.

Except for that whole war thing.

I KNOW how hard it is.

Quite frankly I am a chicken.  My faith is pretty weak in this area because I KNOW all to well every battle I fought the last time.  Yes, God showed up over and over again.  That SHOULD be enough for me.  Right?  I mean who won?  The enemy?  No way.  Maybe it’s the battles that he did win that leave me feeling the way I do.  I do think he won a couple. He didn’t win the war.  The TRUTH is he never will.  So why do I still feel the way I do?

We have this money saved.  It’s supposed to be my house money.  I want to move.  I hate it here.

I have tried to lay that down before the Lord.  To be content in “what ever state” (hehe) I am in.

It’s hard.  Letting go of a dream.  In my heart I know I don’t want anything the Lord dosen’t want for me.  It’s still hard.

As that money dwindles.  It is clear that moving is just not in His plan now.  We want to do something that will last with that money.

The question is what.

Maybe it is adoption.   Maybe it’s not.

The question is,  am I willing.

Truly the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

Am I willing to lay down my dream for another?

Am I willing to face another war?

My kids are.  When Noah overheard a conversation between Richard and I, he said, “We are going to adopt?  Yes!  I don’t care about moving.  I want to move, but I would rather adopt again.”

That is my sons heart.

I think it’s Gods.

Why isn’t mine?

Why am I so lacking faith in this?

“Lord, you know my hearts desire.  You know where I am wrong.  You know where I don’t trust.  You know my fears.  Forgive me for them.  Help me to overcome.  Help me to want what you want.  Help me to love what you love and to see what you see.  Help me trust.  Give us clarity.  Give us passion to follow you no mater the cost.  No matter what we might lose.  No matter the battle.  No matter the pain.  You know it is the heart of our family to bring you glory, Lord help us to do that.  Help me to do that.  Help me to let go of what I need to let go of.  Give me the faith to know that when I let it go,  you are the good and gracious God, who gives in abundance.  Who never does wrong.  Whose way is always right.  I can’t change my heart Lord, I need you to change it for me, please change it.  I want your heart.”

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10 Responses to “Maybe It’s a Coincidence”

  1. Keltie Says:

    Lord give my sister Melissa a peace that passes understanding. Help her know that your faith is not fleeting. That you love her beyond all measure, and that no floods or money or broken appliances will stand in the way of your will. Thank you for her heart for orphans. Thank you for her family that loves adoption. Thank you for the words of her son that demonstrate the love and willingness to sacrifice you love to see in your children. Take away Melissa’s fear Lord, help her know that she is never alone in any war, and please lead their family to where you would have them be for your glory.

  2. Tova Says:

    Melissa,

    I wasn’t prepared for this post. It struck me deep in my heart as I am currently wrestling as well. It was like you wrote this for me. Thank you for your vulnerability. I will pray for both of us. All I have managed to pray is ‘God’s will be done.

  3. Shara Says:

    You are so NOT a chicken my friend. You waged war and WON the victory for Jesus in bringing your two precious children home. God give you strength!!!

  4. Carol Lee Says:

    Melissa, thanks so much for exposing your heart and your struggle with us. We will be praying and looking for ways to support and help. Please look to Jesus, the author and perfector of your faith–who, for the JOY set before Him, endured the cross. Love, Carol

  5. Sheri Says:

    Remember, you are a strong woman. And with God holding your hand, hugging you every step of the way, wiping your tears and fighting battles around you, you are even STRONGER. You are amazing. If you are to move forward with the adoption, God will tell you, and you’ll never be alone.

  6. april Says:

    i think you being honest is a beautiful thing…God knows your heart! I think we all struggle with similar things from time to time! Especially when we go through something huge like the adoption process!

  7. Christine Says:

    Melissa, it is a struggle. Maybe you will get more definite answers soon. Keep the faith.

  8. laurad Says:

    Well, the war hasn’t stopped. It keeps on going and will until Jesus’ return. You may experience a lull every so often, but it’s usually not for long no matter what you do.

    The Lord will lead y’all. Continue to pray.

  9. mary Says:

    thank you for expressing what so many of us feel….it is war, a war for the hearts of our children. we have experienced some of those “coincidences”. we are planning a trip back to africa to help the babies home, I was a little stressed one morning, our 6 yr old told me, “Mom, give it to God.” wow, think I should practice what I preach. Your blog reminded me of this song, “Draw me close to You, never let me go, I lay it all down again, to hear You say that I’m Your friend…….You’re all I want, You’re all I’ve ever needed…”. I have wanted to move, but God continues us here also, to Him be the Glory.

  10. Shauna Says:

    Nice post Melissa! I totally understand. We are in the battle right now – I expected a lot more of a “flesh” battle but it so much more. It is hard. But the Lord is faithful and there are blessings in the midst – He will walk you again – I believe you will have more tools this time. Remember – time is short and in the “big picture” I believe you will not regret it. Praying for you!


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